Living a lie

I feel like most days, that I am living a lie with my husband. We pretend to be this happy couple, when we are really not. We ignore that problems that we have and continue living life like nothing was wrong.

I honestly do not know how much longer I can go on like this. Last night when he asked what was on my mind, I told him some of the things that I have been feeling. That I was young, and because of my lack of relationship skills I made decisions without being fully aware of the ramifications. That I was in love with the idea of being in love, that I was in love with the attention that he gave me, and I thought that he loved me because of sex. Lets just say he was not happy with what I told him. He wants to talk later, and I pray that we work somethings out. I honestly do not know what I want with him and from him.

Part of me feels trapped because I have stayed at home for so long that getting a real job will be difficult and would require that I quit school. The conundrum lies in that if I quit school I will never be able to get a good job, and I can not go to school full time if we separate.

While I love my slave, I know that there is no guarantee that we will be together in the way would hope to be, and right now I am okay with that. But who knows how I will feel if things happen and my husband and I are not together. **sigh** I am sitting outside watching the kids ride their bikes, and feeling like there may never be the happy ending that I would love to have.