Monday night, my slave and I went out of town for the evening. It was wonderful, I have always loved road trips for one. Being in the car with someone you are close to and listening to music and letting the conversation go where ever it may.
We went to dinner at a chain restaurant, and we talked and talked. Mainly about our respective spouses and the problems we face with them. Like ordering an appetizer brought up the comment by me that when I eat certain foods my husband tells me, "Don't get near me, you smell like you have been eating ass." We laughed and talked about how it was nonsense, and made sure to kiss after our dinner just because we could, and neither of us would be offended by the others breath. Its funny how sometimes the simplest of things will please you.
When we got to our hotel we switched from having a vanilla date to our D/s time. Even though he is my slave, I have given him certain freedoms that most Domme's would never allow. I He is allowed to act "uppity" as I like to call it, and get a little Dominant. He can pull my hair and spank me if the mood is right, and I ultimately have control of it continues or stops (secretly I think he likes it). After he got uppity with me, he was required to worship my feet, and before we knew it, it was time for us to leave so I could be back home when I had promised.
We had amazing conversation on the way home, and we told each other stories of our past. I learned a good bit about him, and he learned a lot about me. About how self-conscious I am, How I never dated anyone in high school, how despite having friends I still felt lonely. I even told him somethings that I am still ashamed of, the ways I tried to fill the void, the loneliness I had.
After dropping me off, I met one of my husbands many girlfriends. I was not impressed, lets say he does not aim too high. After he left to take her home, I called my slave and we continued our conversation right were we left off. The things he said made sense. It was like someone had turned on the light for the very first time. Deep down I knew the truth but didn't trust anyone enough to say it, or share it. I hid from it, and buried it deep inside of me. So the next morning I got up and wrote the following blog on another site:
I just realized I am writing a blog
about love, V-Day is coming up on us, But that is not why I am writing. The
reason I am writing about love is that I have been doing a lot of thinking on
this subject, and people that are close to me know why. I am sorry if you are
just a reader, but for safety purposes I can’t say much more about my situation.....
What is love? I actually looked up the definition, and was
quite surprised. LOVE: a feeling of strong or constant regard for and dedication to
someone. ....
A new friend and I had the most
amazing conversation about love, and about me and my past and the mistakes that
I have made. Here are a few things that I have learned.....
The first that, sex does not equal intimacy.
Yes, sex is great, it’s fantastic BUT I, like so many people didn’t realize
that you can have intimacy with out having sex. Intimacy stems from love, the
warm fuzzies that you feel in the pit of your stomach when you are laying in
someone’s arms, with no expectations and no pressures and you have the freedom
to just be. To let go of all your
insecurities and feel totally at ease with yourself and the person you are
with. Love must equal intimacy to make
sex an intimate act. Other wise sex is just sex. ....
The second thing I learned is that Love puts others first. When you truly love someone, you will aim to sacrifice and put everything you have into making them happy. I use the
word aim, because we are all human and let’s face it, we are selfish people by
nature and from time to time, we are going to think of only ourselves. How is
this going to help me? How will this make me look? You know exactly what I
mean. But if you strive to put the other person in your relationship first, then
you are truly giving of yourself and expressing love. However the flip side is
that the other person in the relationship has to aim for the same thing. There
is a perfect-ness; a balance that two people can have when they are both truly
in this selfless state.....
The third thing I learned is that people
(and yes I include my self in here) who use sex as a form of intimacy, with out
having that foundation of love, and have never been put first will be lonely. And they will seek to fill that void they
feel.....
Okay because of where I posted that blog I left somethings out that I would now like to share.I think that I married my husband because I was afraid that no one would want me like he did. Yes I was in love, but it wasn't totally real, I think that sex clouded that. I am happy that I have my beautiful children, but I shouldn't have married him. I should have learned what love is before getting married.
This said you live and learn through your mistakes. Since having this epiphany, many friends have come forward and said "We didn't want to tell you, but we thought you were making a mistake."
I am hitting the high points to catch up to the present time, and prolly one more blog will do it. I will leave you with a quote from the my slave, friend, and love.
"People say they are making love, but you can't MAKE love, it better already be there."
Its amazing, because our relationship is not based upon sex, and never will be. And I have never experienced that.
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